Not So Intuitive

Before I had children, I felt a bit awkward with kids. I couldn't ever figure out how to do carseat straps, put bottles together, or change their diapers without some additional mess being created. When I found out I was having twins, I once again was assured that I am, at least in part, God's comic relief. I found great comfort and still do from my friend, Laurie, also a mom of twins, who often tells of her lack in the area of motherhood. (She really is an amazing mother, but has a very humble estimation of her abilities and gifts).

I can remember for weeks after the boys were born, my husband and I would look at each other, puzzled as to why we couldn't seem to figure out their cries. Everyone tells a new mom, "you'll figure it out; you'll just know." Well, for me motherhood wasn't and continues not to be so intuitive. To take a daunting task and make it more difficult, I was graciously given a "special needs" child. Judah's Sturge Weber is so multi-faceted that even after 9 months of consultations with a board room full of doctors from a multitude of disciplines, being plugged in with a SWS parents' network on line and reading much literature on SWS, I am still only partially aware of what is going on with Judah and what could happen with him down the road.

All this to say, I am a mom not of intuition but of God's grace. While I continue to grow in this calling to serve my boys, there are daily reminders that I am covered by His mercy and instructed by His Spirit.

Let me share a few examples:
His mercy has covered me when I had forgotten to close the basement door, and my mobile Tucker managed to get down on the landing to play with a grocery bag that was sitting there, his back only about a half a foot to the flight of stairs down to the basement. His imminent danger was not even registering on his radar screen or mine for that matter, but the Lord saw him.

Or, this morning as I put Judah down for his morning nap and left Tucker to play in the living room downstairs. (You'd think I'd learn not to leave this boy by himself) I walked downstairs and didn't see Tucker in the living room. I had a brief moment of panic, but realized panic accomplishes nothing; I must look for him and remain calm. I turned the corner to find that he had pulled a tiny piece off my phone's headset cord which he could've swallowed and choked to death by the time I found him. Once again, God had my back.

A prayer I began praying when the boys were about 4 months old was simply, "Lord, if there's something I need to know or see about the boys, show me." With Judah's SWS and just my general propensity to fret about their well being, I found myself at times consumed with doubts and fears that I was asking all the right questions at our doctor's visits or reading what I needed to read in order to become a more informed mom. This simple prayer combined with the truth of Psalm 32:8, I will teach you and instruct you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you, ushered in a godly confidence I desperately needed.

In big ways and small, I have seen time and time again the Lord answering this prayer. For instance, just yesterday, I put the boys down for a nap and Judah was still crying off and on 15 minutes after I had put them down. That was unusual for him. I had that prompting to go and check on him. When I opened up the door, my little man was sitting up in his crib, thumb in mouth, eyes completely shut, nearly falling over every time he'd begin to really doze off. The scene likens the one of a person dozing off in class with his head on his hand. Can you picture it? My son apparently hadn't yet figured out how to lay himself down once he began to grow sleepy. I laughed and then compassionately layed him down to rest.

Today, a similar occurence. Judah was crying after I had shut the door for them to take their morning nap. I didn't wait 15 minutes today, but went in this time to find him with his legs caught between the crib railings, facing his brother. Again, I thanked the Lord for His Holy Spirit, who can see all things and instructs me in the way I should go.

Intuition is overrated. But, God's Spirit and His mercy is not!
I am grateful that one day I can share these stories with my children and relay to them how our loving God took great care of them when mommy wasn't so with it!

Gospel Glimpses

As a Christian parent, there are experiences with one's child(ren) when God reveals an aspect of His truth in ways that are not easily compared with any of life's other relationships. I am privileged to be mom to twin boys! They are 9 1/2 months old and a true gift and joy to my husband and me (on most days).

The first born, Judah, was born with a rare condition called Sturge Weber Syndrome. It is associated with the Port Wine Stain (a red birthmark) that covers close to 40% of his body. As a result, Judah has glaucoma, which he recently had surgery to help remedy. He has potential brain involvement; although we have not yet seen any manifestations of that (Thank you, Lord!), and he receives a lot of medical attention from wonderfully skilled and knowledgeable doctors and nurses at Johns Hopkins University Hospital.

After a recent post-op. visit, I was putting Judah into his carseat to go home. We had been to Hopkins three times that week. I was exhausted but grateful for the care Judah received and for the mercy of God that only one eye had to be worked on. I looked at my child, his eye slightly bruised and swollen the size of a golf ball and thought, "I hope you know we're subjecting you to all of this because we believe this is what is best for you in the long run. I hope you can somehow understand that all these doctor's visits, all the poking and prodding, all the laser treatments, evaluations under anasthesia, various studies we are allowing you to be a part of, trips to and from the hospital that interrupt nap times and make you have to eat and sleep in places much less comfortable and familiar than your own home, that all of this is because we believe we are doing what will lead to a better life experience for you down the road."

The verse in Hebrews 12:2 quickly came to mind,
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

There is a joy set before us as we put our son through the rigors of laser treatments every 6 weeks, eye surgeries, anasthesia, evaluations, scans and a multitude of doctor's exams. It is the hope that we are giving our son greater potential to health, to learning, and to what we would consider a "normal" life.

There was a joy set before Jesus as He endured His cross, but it wasn't about Himself. It was about us and it was about His Father. He endured the cross for the joy of knowing us, redeeming us, and spending eternity with us. Above that, He endured the cross for the joy of pleasing and glorifying God, His Father, even to the point of death.

While it is difficult to endure some of the demands of this lot Judah has been given, it is nothing compared to what was required of Jesus. In those moments before Judah is whisked away to be "put under", we can cry out to God and entrust our son to Him, knowing He hears our prayers and commands His angels to watch over our little boy. We will never have to cry out as Christ did on the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mark 15:34)

Thank you, Lord for the gift of a glimpse into the glories of the gospel; I trust there will be many more!